I just woke up and checked my e-mail, and apparently while drunk I bought a blowtorch. Thought you'd want to know.
Just wondering did you put mouse traps and brownies on my porch?
I feel like I've wasted too many painkillers on hangovers
i feel like i am carryihg a baby. a baby made of alcohol.
There's always one sober annoying person at a party. I hate responsible people. I just wanted to show everyone my nipples. There cute. She didn't have to stop me
Taking shots with an iv of fluids in, because I work tomorrow. That's responsibility. Employee of the month right here.
And I was aware of my actions - that is not a penis I will say no to until I have a ring on my finger
When's a good time to tell your boyfriend you've slept with his ex girlfriend?
The things happening in my intestines right now should only ever happen at truck stops and frat houses.
Trying to roll joints on a seadoo in the middle of a lake on a windy night. -Juststonerthings
Now: to brush my teeth, put on my grandma slippers and earplugs, masturbate to 50 Shades and then PTFO
Currently looking up Winnie-the-Pooh porn.
Cooked. Eating pizza. Didn't have a napkin so I took my shirt off and I'm using it.
I'm going to force her to break up with me this week. Tonight I plan to shit the bed. If that doesn't work I'm not sure what's next.
I should have known when she mixed malibu and V8. It smelled just like tanning oil and when she drank it she said "Oh well, not the first time."
Randomize
