I googled "I hate my uterus" just to make sure I wasn't the only one.
He just said "Chunky" very loudly in his sleep.
I'm stoned in an empty parking lot listening to dave matthews while looking for a lighter.... I feel like I sent this 7 years ago.
idk if its the weather or the "im still drunk" or the morning sex i just had with my roommates gf but that was def the most enjoyable walk in the rain ever
So I'm seriously not complaining - but I just fell ass backwards into a Tuesday night threesome. Sober
You left the resturant and came back with a McDonalds burger in your pocket so ya...no more pregaming birthday dinners. Especially since it wasn't your birthday.
High with mom again. She's giving me relationship advice.
Is it sad that I have better conversations with his roommate before or after sex than I do with him in general?
In my defense, I haven't stolen anyone's clothes yet.
Yeah, that's a plus.
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
I couldn't find the oven mitts so I used a thick stack of tortillas
when in doubt, mount your coworker in the staff room.
Better not shit yourself at the gym.
I s2g I’m about to get ghosted by a 34 yr old and my Oedipus complex cannot take it
it’s about to be september and all i keep thinking is what if i go (another) full calendar year without having sex?
Randomize
