Taking the airport shuttle drunk should not happen this often in my life.
you know you've made it when it's your own pool table you're waking up on
I keep getting texted pictures of my husband with other men. I can't figure out if he wants a divorce or a threesome?
I've been alternating between telling people I was mauled by a bear or hit by a car to explain the massive unexplainable bruise on my leg. Slightly more worried now that the car idea is believable.
Just walk up to him nice, spread your legs like smooth peanut butter on toast and scream "LOOK AT MY BEAVER! LOOK AT IT!!"
I can't believe I came last night staring into my profile pictures eyes.
Mind if I sleep with your cousin? If I can... thanks. If no, sorry its gonna happen.
my nose is crying tears of wow.
He doesn't like Sabbath and that alone is a GIANT red flag. Learn from my experiences and never, I mean NEVER associate with people that hate Black Sabbath and Motörhead.
I just got a robo call from the Addiction Help Line. Not sure how to take that.
That's not the problem. The problem is I thought I was over him but he smells nice today.
How is it that on the one day I'm just moving my car at 6:30 I get the walk of shame looks but when I come home at 9 am in a torn dress holding heels old ladies smile at me?
we're gonna read the declaration of independence and do a shot for every word he doesn't understand.
My life. Always pantsless and occasionally topless.
Sorry I drunk. I wouldn’t eat those pancakes. I think I put glitter in them.
Randomize
