How come twittering sounds sexual?
Because of Bambi.
Strawberries are so good its weird that food is growable
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
Two things. 1 - I want to apologize for my drunkeness last night. 2 - I want to pre-apologize for my anticipated drunkeness tonight.
Ignoring the crisis im in. Sitting in the front yard in a kiddie pool. Wearing arm floaties, fins and a snorkel. Waiting for a hot guy to walk by.
There is a contact in my phone named "Bar Mcntysu." this is why we need a third person to go out with us.
I've lost all respect for marriage since I joined this bachelor party.
I'm chatting with a girl missing a front tooth. I find it quite distracting. I'm sure you have deduced what bar I'm drinking in on this monday night.
He pointed at some girls and said "I'm gonna have sex with them girls over there", and disappeared.
Life seems so much brighter and more vibrant after you have sex with a 20 year old. It's like how Kansas was in black and white and Oz was in technicolor.
Yeah.. I'm sorry I broke your phone. But in my defense you handed me the frying pan.
We were walking home from Pluckers (read carrying your drunk ass) and out of nowhere you yelled "Say bitch you got a Facebook?" at a random chick walking by.
It wasn't your birthday, you weren't supposed to be the drunk one
When people keep buying you drinks at the bar because they like you, you can't say no to them
He sent me a selfie with his cat. He has found a way to my heart. And pants.
I basically go to him for great dick and great memes.
Randomize
