Why are you at a bar in Connecticut?
Long story. One that now involves lots of delicious chicken wings om nom nom
so i havent checked yet but im almost positive that my left ass cheek is bruised. any idea what happened last night.
what the fuck man? i was JUST texting you the same thing. FUCK
He promised he'd be the first bidder on my ebay item if i went home with him. Worth it.
After I threw him out he walked down the street peeing in stride. I almost wanted to let him back in.
Sorry I tried to blow your roommate in your room. I felt more at home there.
We should bet how many people are going to get alcohol poisoning next weekend and whoever wins gets a free Starbucks.
You just said we could build a blanket and pillow "fuck fort." Of course I'm never leaving you.
My Saturday dick is so much more impressive than my Tuesday dick.
oh yeah, there may or may not be a large boa loose in the house when you get home.
I think my body is literally trying to get me to reproduce. "fuck someone! Anyone!" - my body
I stood on the corner waiting to be picked up, dry heaving, and trying to block out the sun.
The moment I was petting the giraffe was the moment I passed out
My mom has tinder, she is 45 and has her age setting at 18-29. And she still gets more matches than me
I really need to stop having sex.. I haven't been able to get a brush through the back of my hair for a good week and a half
I just sent a Slack that autocorrected tomorrow to gonorrhoea. Please note that Slack autocorrect isn’t very good.
Randomize
