just woke up and he was jacking off in the corner.. am i being punked?
TBS has betrayed me by telling me tyler perry is funny
I just puked into a plastic bag at a red light. Go me.
woke up at my desk with a paper in front of me that says "people stranded on islands love having wet dreams" what the fuck happened last night
I drove your lawn mower home. Hope you don't need it tonight. I'll bring it over tomorrow.
So I think before Superbowl weekend begins we should all take a look back on last year and learn from our pitfalls... AKA no touchdown shots and kitchen crying.
He just showed me how to break a chop stick with his ass.
Unfortunately hes not a hipster douchebag with no life goals, so naturally I'm not interested.
Son of a bitch took my liquid eyeliner
THEN YOU WILL NOT GET TO SEE MY TITS TONIGHT OR IN THE NEAR FUTURE YOU HEARTLESS BASTARD
IT'S A GIANT FUCKING ROBOT, DUDE. LOGIC IS OUT OF THE QUESTION BECAUSE AWESOME.
They tricked me into going into that room by saying we'd smoke a bowl and then they all proceeded to have an intervention with me about my love life.
There is an episode of "how it's made" on tv right now. The subject is tequila and water beds. Basically my life.
I should have robbed the cradle years ago. Turns out 21 year old boys can cum and still fuck me silly a minute later. My vagina feels like it just won a car from Oprah!
Well the grass always *looks* greener on the other side but sometimes that’s bc there’s a sewage runoff...
Randomize
