Just seen a scantily clad pirate with 2 36 packs of natty ice on a bike riding with no hands. If she doesn't hit a speed bump she's golden and should be on the next Americas got talent.
So my date night ended with us watching porn with his roommate.
Guess whose mug shot is NOT on the Internet anymore?!?!
I'm in the Wal Mart stall where we found out you weren't pregnant. This is where I'm going to propose to you. I feel like that would be the most romantic
ROOF CAVED IN, WE'RE GUNNA MAKE A WATERSLIDE
You picked up her frozen vom puddle and threw it like a frisbee.
The next time i black out make sure i remove the ping pong balls from my weave. Especially before my first day of classes.
Vague recollection of me ripping your shirt off at the bar... I hope I asked first, otherwise that's real rude.
Due to certain anatomical proportions it was less like fucking and more like childbirth.
High me just had to pick the lock on my sisters room because I locked my vodka in there. I love vacation.
I have to stop letting him stay all weekend. I feel like a cored apple.
At least I had a $10 coupon for Plan B today. Smart shopping for bad decisions
I think I sold my soul to a dominatrix last night.
One door closes, one man cooks for you through the next open door
I wanted to give everyone gifts as they left the house... So when your wondering where most of the christmas ornaments are I'm really sorry.
Randomize
