I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
I need to have sex with someone before he does. I need to win this break up!
He's trying to wipe up all the spilled drinks with a banana
Have you ever wondered what your stripper song would be?
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Stop inviting me to your birth control calender reminders...my job is to test its effectiveness, not know its schedule
Lmao sorry
It's take your daughter to work day... I really shouldn't be here right now
there is vodka in my soul right now. The vapor is coming out my nose.
Her fortune said that she will soon be free. She's taking her bra off at the table.
Trevor is horny so he just called me to tell me all the things that he would like to do with his future wife. That's a new one.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I took the weekend off because he and I were supposed to go to Vegas for our anniversary and get a hooker remember?
Ah, yes. Who says romance is dead?
WAKE UP!!! We have 20 minutes to get to class. That means we only have 10 minutes to get drunk.
I just used my VA prescription bottle of xanax to get a military discount at the liquor store. I win.
Only you could get away with that.
He may be engaged to someone else, but god damn that was the best 3 hours I've ever spent naked with someone.
Holy shit, did you actually CHOOSE to get hit by the alcohol truck last night?
So this is my life now? Laying in bed texting about Hulk penis?
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