you're like a bully in the Christmas story
apparently went to arby's at 2:30am banging on the windows for someone to make me a "beefy"
We tried to get a ride from the same firefigters that were turning off the fire alarm going off at our house.
Lost another pound. Switching from beer to hard liquor did this body good.
You slid down the bannister into a split. Lines were crossed.
You were captain morganning on the laundry hamper and when I walked in you slingshotted a thong at me and started peeing. This all came back to me when I picked up some jeans to wear and they smelled like piss.
I've seen people win free drinks for a lot less dude, no need to drop trou on a piano.
When we were finished I asked him how long it had been since he'd cum that hard. He thought really hard for a while before telling me his brain forgot how years worked.
Just got offered a dog by two Meth head's one of which wasn't wearing shoes and continually saying "fuck"
I know it sounds all cute and shit that I wanted him to be with me last night, but it's not cute. I just wanted to fuck.
His middle name is Julius so I named his penis Caesar and told him he has to say "Hail Caesar!" whenever he comes. He didn't seem to like the idea, though.
I've officially slept through a hurricane, a tornado and had sex during an earthquake. I'm surviving.
I complemented his smile, he sends me a dick pic. Seriously?
I just want to nap all the time and eat Chinese food.
Accidentally made a bowl of macaroni and cheese with a bottle of vodka. It's not that bad
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