i think i'm in class. and blacked out.
dude. late night with jimmy fallon isnt even funny. the people in the audience there to see him dont even think hes funny.
kinda like you and your friends.
Have you ever seen an entire lecture hall fist pump? It's magical.
My freaking DENTIST just commented on my hickies. Through the novacaine I managed to mumble 'It was my birthday' and she smiled knowingly.
It just feels wrong masturbating with my neighbor's cat in my apartment
My dad just called from upstairs on the house phone to tell me to bring him a beer. You tell me how I am.
i'm not entirely sure that 'not getting kicked out of the bar until it got dark' really classifies as 'doing better'
Ya I know. She's self aware though, like the terminator. Which is the best kind of crazy
Wearing a french maid costume for Halloween sure did help me meet girls
Dude, they all thought you were gay.
Hey Kellie. Me putting. My face intebetaeen ut your boobs made my night
I had a dream that I had to take a breathalyzer but then it turned out to be a bong....why can't that be real life?
As my straight cousin I need you to answer a question. Are the Astros a baseball team, and if so, are they good? This is flirting related and time-sensitive.
I was struggling morally, but once I let go, I came pretty hard.
Why is there a waffle in the knife drawer?
The real question is why are there knives in the waffle drawer.
He just took off his shirt. I'll text you later.
Randomize
