4:25 am: I want you here. Ugh.
I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
Just bought purple Ray Bans. If there was any small chance that I would ever have sex with women ever again, I just buried it.
I could end up kidnapped. Or worse, the night will be really awkward.
Between my vibrator and my iPhone carpal tunnel is inevitable.
youre always welcome to strip dance on tables with me Mag. what are friends for.
Then again, I'm single and napping with a stuffed yoda doll...so I'm not the world's authority on shit.
Well it's like a wise man once told me: "If you're going to shave your balls, don't do it hungover."
You're an idiot. I have LIVED as a cautionary tale of what happens when you drink too much and stick your dick in crazy, HAVE YOU LEARNED NOTHING?
Who are you, and why are you in my phone as Elf on the Shelf
who sends a dick pic at 3 am on a sunday honestly
seriously. and now it'll take him hours to clean up the glitter
Crying into a glass of wine at 10 am isn't exactly how I planned this day to go
My history professo slid into my DMs. Granted I did give him “fuck me” eyes during a lecture a few times.
So I justmade it back home and was greeted to a squirrel in my dorm... Last time I let my friends rent it out for a party.
I just realized I had arrested my one night stand from last night...
Randomize
