nothing tight i'm going to stuff myself with food and alchy
I just found out she jerks off to lesbian porn too honest to god
you wouldn't believe how perfect a match this is its scary
I didnt expect it either. But she was there and I had a boner, so i made it happen.
I walked up to a girl in a bar, and all I was capable of doing was taking my beer and bumping it up to hers. While doing so, all I could say was "Bud Light". She walked away.
I told him I wanted to "ride him like a show pony" I think he gets the picture
I can motorboat myself in this new push-up bra. I need to go out tonight.
Just turned your apartment into a democracy and were voting on who takes shots next
the last time I drank tequila I ended up riding your skateboard nude down the street... so yeah, I'll have a few shots.
Sorry for the milk in the bathroom. I was washing mace out of the one security guys eyes
Well you were already wet from trying to drink straight from the faucet, so I just put you in the bathtub with a pillow and called it a night
In that case, if you come anywhere near my house you can expect to be chased down various streets by a half naked me wielding a baseball bat. No, I am not giving you my address.
Why so serious bruh
The first guy I ever sexted is having a baby.. Is this what adulthood feels like?
if you're the one who put those dollar bills in my bra last night, thank you because I just used that money to get myself a coffee
Well I'm glad your Saturday night went a lot better than mine. I spent mine crying in a McDonald's parking lot.
Sorry I threw up all over your Lyft.
It's ok I woke up next to a dumpster.
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