i just walked into thanksgiving and three people in a row asked me who i was. really?
Is it just me, or does Colt McCoy look like Herbie the Dentist from "Rudolph the Red-nosed Reindeer"?
2 am we went back to his house. his mom handed us beers and cooked us pancakes. the next morning his dad had washed my car. i lied. living at home after college definitely does not suck.
I just want you to know that were having pizza delivered to the emergency room
just hooked up with an air force officer in a hotel room paid for by the military. i feel like i should go around thanking taxpayers for the assist.
I'm surrounded by 3 year olds in tutus. They are far too innocent to be within at least 500 ft of me.
then you put baby powder on the bottom of your feet and walked to your room so "ladies would follow the footprints"
I'm just saying, margarita tuesday would turn anyone gay.
Thanks, girl! That means a lot. I can't wait to share my jail stories with you over salad and cupcakes.
It's gonna be ok. As we grow older we sometimes lose sight of what's important to us. Like safe sex. And standards.
LOVE ME MORE THAN PIZZA CAN
I puked so hard this morning that I peed my pants. I'm a gem.
As I was balls deep, she moaned "i can't wait to see what how hot our daughter will be". Instant de-boner
Are you jealous of my sweatsuit? It's how I get men on Tinder.
I'd like to have a moment of silence for all the dicks she's broken off
Randomize
