Do you realize that Last night you pissed in my closet and then walked to the bathroom to wash your hands?
no weekend plans? you're practically married
just without the last name or joint bank account
i'd advise against both
last night they convinced you that a sharpie was a new style of chap stick... so when you wake up, you might want to do something about that
Just turned my microbiology homework into a drinking game. The words are getting blurry but I think we're really bonding.
I'm confused about why you felt the need to ask me to buy you life alert for christmas at 3:28 this morning.
i think i figured out where our problem might have started...when we poured more tequila on top of out margaritas to melt the ice bc they were too cold
hahaha or putting rum in the bbq sauce?
We should reintroduce naked Mondays
We are hot boxing the gondola
I hate everything.
With the drought our water bill is skyrocketing. No more shower sex, masturbating, or pretending to be under a water fall after smoking a blunt.
I just power smoked 3 bongs, ate hot cocoa mix before making hot cocoa, and realized James Spader's character on The Office reminds me of your mom.
do you remember in the middle of fleeing from the cops you stopped in the middle of the road to make out with quail man?
Remind me to tell you the story of the fuzzy condom
I wanted to buy shoes but nothing fit. So i'm getting a vibrator.
Apparently the girl he banged in the bathroom yelled at him for hitting on me all night. But whatever, he was holding her hand for most of it
That ass isn’t going to eat itself.
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