i fell asleep last night with fifteen animal crackers in my mouth. rock bottom dude.
I think I tried picking up these girls last night by asking them what their favorite color was...I obviously woke up alone
He quoted an N'sync song to confess his attraction to me. Needless to say, I had sex with him.
She left me a voicemail too. It's just her moaning her name repeatedly
i could have sworn she did an overextended split with her legs over her head but now i think it was just the drugs
I'm a big fan of your penis but I will not sit through an animated movie dedicated to it.
I just found a video of you asking to be a whale with me.
I really wanna just be like, can you just eat me out and stop whining
I think that would solve a million problems
Fun fact: the guy I banged last night. His middle name on his birth certificate is "Windstorm."
I'm not gonna ask the guy I've fucked like 3 times if he is insecure about his eyebrows.
Omg. I can't go on a date with this man. His kids are too ugly.
I knew how blacked out you were when you started doing that thing where you dance around and call yourself the Black Swan.
The shrooms were awesome. Everyone's bones in their face looked so beautiful! Everyone had great face structures.
She said to call her, so I called her. Her boyfriend answered and traced the fucking call. I could litterally hear him yell because it turns out he lives in 4d
Don't you live in 4c?
I'm at the drive thru window, five minutes out. If the bathtub is empty or you're dressed when I arrive I'm not sharing.
Randomize
