please stop telling ppl youre Alice Cullen when youre drunk
You should come over. I am making a celebratory I got laid by a huge penis cake.
If we were to wake in ur bed together, what are the 3 words you would say to me?
Get out now.
The bartender just started bringing me gin and tonic in a pint glass to save himself trips...
no. you're not making a beach trip out of my abortion.
She told me that as long as she kept starring at the freckle on her arm she wouldnt throw up
She was stumbling around looking for her cat. She said i could help, but i had to call him by his jungle name
The police woke me up so they had no choice but to see my morning wood.
Once you've seen a girl stick a snake in her snatch normal stuff seems like Barney and friends
He straight up just had me drive all the way here and when I got here he was drinking a cup of tea and right after said he needed to go to bed
tried to suck my ex boyfriends dick last night at a bar... Happy homecoming from me to you
I woke up hugging my purse and I found a business card in my underwear. How?
You tried to lick the lightbulb and fell off of the chair onto my wife and gave her a concussion. Did i mention you were naked?
Dude I can't beleive you didn't wake up. I literally f'd her IN THE DISHWASHER. Btw I'm pretty sure I also kinda broke the dishwasher.
I can tell just by looking at the wedding photos that the groom has hooked up with at least three of his groomsmen. I would feel bad for her except that she’s hooked up with two of the same ones.
Randomize
