She was hit by a car at 47 mph and lived. That explains everything.
I didn't realize he wasn't circumcised... it looked like the Unibomber...
Dude how the fuck are we gonna get the lawnmower outta the pool?
There are many reasons why he shouldn't come over. And each one is longer than his penis.
Your dad's facebook is ejaculating midlife crisis all over my minifeed
Is it appropriate to put "Mommy and Daddys shitfaced-ness that led to Aubrey" on a birth announcement?
Well you two just had a kid in the middle of college, I dont think anyone will notice.
Thanks bro
You are the alcoholic guardian angel of raccoons
Sorry I disappeared. Do you hate me?
Not at all, did you not hear me clapping outside your car on our way out?
I don't want to ruin date night, but you have no idea how hard it is to poop whilst looking at cute puppies.
I guess I'm open to more types of dick now
I apologize in advance for the number of sex toys drying on the bathroom sink.
I may or may not of seen my high school physics teacher making out with my old high school boyfriend at the bar last night
What I'm doing now is like me taking a bagel, dropping it butter side down, leaving it for six years, picking it back up, and trying to fuck it
I just need some of your time and all of your body.
Didn't realize he fucked me in a bed a dog is always in until my face swelled two sizes and I had hives all over my body. This is God's way of punishing me for having amazing sex.
Randomize
