Any day that starts with a call from my ex-bf... crying... is a good day.
Just dunked an oreo in a white russian. Trying to think of a better experience in my life and failing.
just mention it in a side comment sometime today... like oh by the way i have a daughter but um yeah my day was good
She must have been at ribfest tonight because my dick smells like barbeque sauce
it's pretty bad when you go in bed bath and beyond and recognize 6 different bed spreads you've had sex on
He has a really nice penis but its like a model that wasn't built to scale
you told that cab driver that when the 3 of us come togehter it means happiness and love
are you still mad that doritos made their way into my sex life
.....a litte
The engagement ring savings account is now the strippers and gin savings account. What are you doing tonight?
I believe in using alcohol to heal from the inside. Not as a topical solution.
So as a result of a tragic manscaping accident I've had to shave all the hair off of my legs. The result is... not great
I can't find the remote or the Doritos. Someone call 911. S.O.S. I sent this in Braille.
Who's the naked guy asleep in your car?
I have 35 pounds of pennies. Need any?
drinking vodka out of a wine glass to feel a little bit classier about myself.
Randomize
