Uggggg i want to leave and get bombed over baghdad
she was like a sexier Rosie O'Donnel
Just facebooked the guy whose name you're yelling in there. So you're aware, his interests include "swearing at babies" and "Ice luge"
He left his umbrella behind in my bed to 'keep me company', then stole my front door key before he went to work
people at meijer look at you funny when you have 37 bottles of champagne in your cart.
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
i think i figured out where our problem might have started...when we poured more tequila on top of out margaritas to melt the ice bc they were too cold
hahaha or putting rum in the bbq sauce?
There is no way that a naked man in your kitchen can be explained-away as a "misunderstanding."
I was just told that i'm a premature cuddler. . . What does that even mean?
Whatever it is you failed
If I take diet pills with my edibles I'll be a perfect person
I've been told that their best stripper is on maternity leave. NEVER AGAIN.
Is it a bad thing that I'm trimming my nose hairs in anticipation for the 8ball to be delivered?
I walked by the two of them and mouthed "fuck me" based on there reaction I think they just came in their pants
You called me last night and said you had a vision that a cat made you a sandwich. You were tripping way too hard
She slapped a big dramatic bandage on my arm and people started buying me drinks...I plan on wearing a full body cast tomorrow night.
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