Sundresses, hats, and big glasses. That is the greatest trick the devil ever taught women.
All I remember is yelling at him to admit he liked Bon Jovi, then accusing him of giving love a bad name.
Im forcing mysellf to pee so i can fit more margaritas in me...
I just woke up and checked my e-mail, and apparently while drunk I bought a blowtorch. Thought you'd want to know.
I just realized this is gonna be the last time that I'm high in my childhood home. I'm kinda sad. I'm really high..
So instead of getting the if-you-hurt-my-little-girl-youre-dead talk, i got the alcohol-is-our-friend talk, i like her dad already
He burst into tears while I was blowing him. NEVER giving a bj for a graduation present again.
...im seriously confused as to why this doesn't make sense to you. Girl hostage, rob casino. Makes perfect sense.
sex, shower, sex, ice cream sandwiches?
I couldn't think of the word "bath" so instead I told him I was marinating in soapy water
Nothing says "Hello, Adulthood!" quite like receiving a dick photo at 11AM from a guy you haven't heard from since fifth grade.
This is the perfect outfit to do ketamine in, I must say
Apparently I offered the cop my Taco Bell.
Desperate times...
I said I wanted pizza tattoo on my ass and the tattooist asked me what I wanted on it.
1. I drank goldschlager 2. I fell in a bathtub and hit my head (hard) on a soap dish. 2. I sat in said bathtub talking to a random stranger on vacation from wyoming (who i met at a 711 looking for taquitos) for almost an hour. 3. We got kicked out of said bathtub by owner of bathtub. 4. We had sex.
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