I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
I like the name aiden. he likes stella. I told him they're coming out of my vagina, and I will name them what I damn well please. Stella goes.
I think most guys look at porn as a fallback career. I mean I know I do.
if there weren't so many witnesses I 100% wouldve punted that squirrel
you're like that jamaican tarat card reading chick... only with herpes
just got home. some guy on my porch is tryin to show me his balls. no more parties at my apartment.
I may or may not be negotiating a deal of baked goods for socks...keep you posted
Hahah what did you even say to him?!
That I was gonna inflate his vagina with a leaf blower?
Oh.
It's like, "you literally have no idea who i am but i definitely slept with your brother in your bed."
I have this rep as a wingman for a reason. I'm like a poon caddy. "You might want to use a 9 iron on this hole. "
It was a tough decision either lay in bed or go to work and lay in the stockroom
I always felt my time would come in the form of a tidal wave of whisky
why is there glitter IN my vagina????
There is an episode of "how it's made" on tv right now. The subject is tequila and water beds. Basically my life.
I found my parents stash of sex toys. You know my green one? My mom has it...in purple. I HAVE THE SAME VIBRATOR AS MY MOTHER
Randomize
