I found a girl on our couch wearing lederhosen this mornig... I dont know if i should be impressed or ashamed
He's prob getting laid right now and I'm sitting alone in my duct tape shoes.
they call him Oral-B. enough said
Better than last year. I didn't wake up to an after thanksgiving human shit on my living room floor. I think it's a sign I'm growing up at almost 30.
He bought my favorite ceral.. I've guess I've earn the status as one of his regular fuck buddies. I feel honored and proud. His roommates girls don't get this treatment.
Walk of shaming dressed as a zombie hunter. This hangover feels like the actual apocalypse.
got one for peeing in public....called the cop a donut dunking communist...should be a fun court appearance
Can we talk about how i am holding a tupperware container of my own puke in the back of my grandparents car while my sister drives
At least Shia Labeouf would encourage me to do this drinking contest
It's gonna be like a sexual version of A Christmas Carol in my house in a few days.
One of my favorite March activities is cropdusting people while wearing a kilt.
I almost stopped mid bj to let him know I appreciated his balls being nice to look at/have my face near. But I didn't know if that would ruin, or improve the moment.
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
you said you were going to the bathroom. we found you an hour later laying in the backyard clutching a bottle of vodka while singing the beatles and crying
Truth. Though I have held steadfast to the notion while the rest of you wavered. I had faith in his homosexuality.
Randomize
