I could have mohawked her pubes.
sorry for covering your dog in whipped cream. his bark made it sound like he wanted it.
You started laughing mid-cry and when I asked you said, "my tears taste like vodka."
No idea how he made them, but vodka water balloons were a horrible idea.
The ultimate Father's Day bonding experience: Both getting bailed out of jail by mom for mooning some shithead cop.
If you're wondering why you have playpen balls it's because we stopped at chuckie cheese on the way home.
You know, I think I'm going to rock the shit out of this whole mid-twenties thing. Fuck babies and weddings -- I have vodka and young cock.
Just watched my first Christmas porn of the year. Def have the spirit now
Not at all! I'll let your potential employer know you have a huge dick
I mean I know I'll get over it by like tonight but ew ew eww. I cannot. Dude I don't even know his name also I threw up on his penis
Russell is lonely. He needs a companion.
You're lucky you have a monster cock or most people may just laugh at your penis' nickname.
Hahah I’ve never had someone stop me mid-coitus to tell me how amazing I am. Def ego boost.
Of course you try to burn the house down on the one night we take down the smoke alarm so we can use the fog machine more
Please stop calling me a pterodactyl during sex. It only happens when you're drunk, but still.
Think he has a gf
Yea that shit doesn’t necessarily stop me
Randomize
