if you wake up with plaid pants on your floor in the morning, you made a bad decision.
I am paying my roommate as much of the electric bill in pennies as possible because I hate her.
I get way too drunk to be trusted with family heirlooms
My dealer's mom died on christmas eve. Is it too soon to see if he's holding?
It's like she can't drink without using a flambongo
Take in how we used all the shot glasses in the bar in less than an hour
I was tackling you out of excitement
Yeah thank goodness the stripper pole was there to break my fall.
I just had a threesome in the back of my mom's van. I'm pretty sure the rest of my week is going to be epic.
Are you stuck outside of your house because you forgot to walk up stairs? Cuz I've been there.
I'm washing down the sadness with shots of vodka.
You're not horrible. Thank you for my pandas.
You what they say. One dick in the hand is better than two in the bush
I just got a lap dance from a sexy cop in return for giving him his sunglasses back. I think this is going to be the beginning of a really great friendship
Showed up 15 minutes late and curtsied when I entered the door if that puts perspective to how my first day is going
I tried to open a bottle of wine with toenail clippers last night. So this morning was obviously rough.
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