I need help removing her.
Do you think the new Crest Whitestrips Advance Seal would stay on while I give him head? It would be great to knock out 2 things at once...
dude on moped wearing crocs...somebody get this guy his man card back
Well we were just driving down the street, there was a realtor and a couple walking up the porch of a house for sale, mark sticks his head out, opens his mouth to say something, pukes all down the side of the car, pauses, and yells "THIS IS A PHENOMAL NEIGHBORHOOD YOURE GONNA LOVE IT"
He called me from prison intake to wish me luck on my job interview. Somehow that's the most romantic thing that's ever happened to me.
All I know is that if a letter starts with "I'm aware you jerked off in the bathroom last night," I don't want to finish reading it.
She just looked down there and said "i breed horses. this is better than anything ive ever seen."
I just compared drinking to love. How do these people not know I'm an alcoholic?
Currently emptying half-full wine bottles from fridge into my mouth and refilling with water for later. Drunk survivalist recycling!
Bad things happen to those who bang their lab partner at the beginning of the semester.
I'll take "things you shouldn't say to a guy you just met in a bar" for 100!
he appreciated my fucking vagina for two hours he can appreciate my honesty
You fell while talking to a cop, then proceeded to acuse him of tripping you... he was arresting you for public intox.
You were just laying there on the air mattress watching spongebob with a knife. We tried to take it from you, but you insisted it was your emergency escape in case you started to float off.
And the you walked in and said to the only under age dude "IM NOT SLEEPING WITH YOU TONIGHT!!!" You may not have high standards but thanks for not sleeping with my brother!
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