I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
im a genious. moved my bed and mirror so i can watch the game while Fucking
We were making out in the bushes when some dude comes and starts peeing beside us.
I joined a mariachi band. they gave me a guitar because i told them i could play. It actually turned out ok
They kicked me out of the mariachi band. Turns out I'm not that good
Going to the hospital for stitches on my balls. Mom walked in on me manscaping with an electric razor. Tell NOBODY.
Why is everyone else growing up when I'm just crying, eating, and having pregnancy scares?
There are 27 signatures on my ass. What the hell happened last night?
Every time someone made a cup you congratulated them by letting them sign your ass.
How did "just two beers for happy hour" turn into naked backyard wrestling?
He said it. He actually said "yes it's in".
Eating cold pizza and drinking a beer for breakfast while standing in a hotel window naked is how I say hello September...
Alright, text me when you get close. I've got a mustache and I'm ready to get my day drunk on.
Can I also remind you that we insisted on touching his mustache?
Well of course I remember it took up like 20 minutes of my night.
I was living a snoop dogg song I fucked her on the floor so I wouldn't mess up my bed
There is a time and place for BDSM, in-between disney sing-alongs is not one of them.
I just walked in on Joel doing a buck naked tripod headstand in front of the mirror so he could see the bug bite on his balls
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