can we please take bets on how much therapy you'll need in the future?
Apparently I climbed into a dryer last night and refused to leave... There are pictures to prove it
I'm leaving my hospital band on when we go drinking tonight. I'm aiming for pity sex.
Don't worry we did the "promise to get an abortion" handshake
Wondering when "babysitting" formed into "sleeping on the couch for five hours nursing a hangover and giving the kids Nyquil."
Dont tell her I prefer to have an aura of mystique surronding me and my penis.
Completely smashed, masturbating to the view of the ocean. Family vacations are more tolerable than I thought
Just checked my voicemails on the work phone on speaker. Thank you so much for the one of you screaming "COME FUCK ME NOWWWW!" my boss loved it ..
So hungover. Walked into room and poached their catering before realized in wrong place. Scowled and ate it anyway
There were grown college boys running around north campus in capes with nerf guns. If security were to be called I think they would just give them more beer.
Shawn wouldn't stop singing about his cock on the ride home that night it freaked my girlfriend out how consistent he was
i had a super strange, mommy/daddy issuestastic, mildly freudian, i-might-as-well-become-a-stripper-now-and-stop-fighting-the-inevitable dream last night :(
Now we're discussing the sex we had and the later lack thereof. It's like marriage counseling via snapchat.
And i have once again masturbated to an amazing soundtrack. what a time to be alive
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
Randomize
