grandma shit on top of the toilet
Apparently they want to see what I've been working on for the last three months. Can I just hand them a bunch of empty fifths?
Why is your signature on my underwear?
She had the hiccups when she was giving me head. It was actually pretty awesome
I am trying to think of a way to tell him about thanksgiving and the following weekend in a way that makes me sound funny and exciting and not like an alcoholic
She interrupted us having sex in the tent by threatening to kill us if we "got cum on the lasanga."
You invited the cop in for a "Celebrity shot"
So I'm thinking that so long as I have this piercing, I'm going to get tested for explosives at the airport
Who has the safety vest from this past weekend Additionally, who has the dancemaster glove?
I have a present for you
Like a legit gift, not just me showing up and getting naked
No seriously you guys are gonna get arrested
Do me a favor I want you to reach down the front of your pants and underwear and just feel around for a while... if you happen to find your balls then join us
Welp, I'm allergic to codeine. Found that one out the hard way.
my favorite part of this morning was sitting at the gynecologist smelling like cigarettes and wearing yesterday's clothes.
Dear Andy-the problem is not that I slept with your girlfriend, it's that you didn't know she's a lesbian.
...i have a beer in one hand, and a chicken wing in the same. typical tuesday, right?
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