I admire a woman who can maintain dignity while puking after too much whiskey
The last thing I remember is funneling tequila out of a pink noodle.
He dumped me and I don't wanna fuck his best friend for revenge. Is this what maturity feels like?
im standing in line right now while the 711 manager calls other locations to see if they have the john cena collectors slurpee cup in stock...yep i need to get laid
im destined to be single forever. i hope its okay if your kids come and hang out with my cats.
I may or may not be negotiating a deal of baked goods for socks...keep you posted
Note to self: do not ride giant beanbag chair down stairs.
If they were bad they leave that night, if they were good they get a gold star, and if they were great they get invited back. Simple.
Yeah i just finished watching someone play ping pong with his penis it didn't fully register until after a few seconds
If I send you a picture of a dick will you give me your honest reaction?
I'm eating pizza in the bathtub
after we got done having sex, you rolled over and ask what your yelp review was. So yea I'm kinda mad.
Woke up to I'm AWESOME written in purple crayon all over my walls. I love drunk me
THERE ARE NO EMOJIS TO SHOW MY SEXUAL FRUSTRATION
So turns out my new assistant isn't really my assistant. The owner needed a title for his FWB so his wife wouldn't catch on. I got a three hundred a month credit limit boost on my corporate credit card instead.
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