the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
I just withdrew $200 in ones. I think the teller knew what was up
My new excuse for sleeping with him was in celebration of his cat's birthday.
I have no idea where we are. But it doesn't look dirty so I don't think we are in jersey yet
Seriously this night has "go home now before you cry, puke or scream on someone" written all over it.
you went over to those random dudes and told them you were an ordained minister and would like to bless their food. they laughed and agreed, then you said "now bow your heads in prayer" as soon as they did you grabbed a taco off their tray and bolted out the door.
We love you just as you are but we might love you more if we didn't have to post bail so often...
The guy who was The Count on Sesame Street died this week too. Therefore, you should take multiple shots, count them, & go "ahh aaahh aaaahhh" after each one. I expect video...
OMG OMG OMG DID YOU KNOW THERE ARE MINI CHOCOLATE COWBOY HATS THAT MEN CAN BUY FOR THEIR PENISES?
That's why we don't trade sex for Taco Bell. It's called the dollar menu.
The number of mornings I actually have to say out loud to myself "you must put pants on and go to work" to get motivated is...troubling.
I hid a TracFone in her bra. We'll find her tomorrow.
I invited him to my hotel room via snapchat. I'm one hell of a classy bitch
We were making out on the floor and his 13 year old beagle crawled in between us & just sat there...I got cockblocked by an ancient beagle named Bubba
And somehow i feel like your expectations will turn out to be illegal in some way.
Randomize
