Im sitting next to shitfaced santa at the cuse game. My plan to be on television is now flawless
The night ended with a lot of tears and everyone singing along to Willenium
Every time she shows up on my newsfeed, I get the taste of tequila in my mouth.
Housing came buy and confiscated our shopping cart :(
My mom woke me up in a bubble bath this morning.
Your panties and toothbrush are in your mailbox. just not ready to be with anyone serious. take care.
she tried to douche with champagne. in front of all of us. unabashedly.
I deserve like a purple heart or something. I just made it all the way drunk through my 2 story house without making a sound. While carrying a trombone.
I just put on eyeliner and a diff shirt in case the pizza guy is cute. This is what my dating life has come to
When I picked you up, you were drinking Maker's Mark out of the bottle with a crazy straw.
The bottle of Wild Turkey is empty and there is a pile of wet cement in the garage. What happened?
2017 is my year to realize stuff. Move over Kylie Jenner
In case I die. I'm in ares truck with a bartender named Dave from chuys. JUST IN CASE. And let the people know my last words were suck my dick. My like literally.
We got to the hospital and the girls who caused the accident had already added you on facebook.
You and I both know it takes more than prescription narcotics to keep our family down. See you around ten, brother.
Randomize
