Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
winter break is going to suck... i have to put away my college personality and transform into who my parents think i am.
He got about halfway through singing "Drift Away" before he passed out and broke my coffee table.
Fuck. These are the symptoms I had when I was pregnant. This could be bad.
Tipped our cab with a photo booth pic of us, a paper dollar, a dollar in quarters, a crest white strip. And a tanning pass valid in boston
It was like the titanic mixed with those sad puppy commercials mixed with jello shots
It would just be icing on the fucked up cake we're baking, if he got me pregnant.
Strange request but for my birthday you should get me one of those vibrators that you can plug into your iPod that go along with the music.
Like real life can suck my metaphorical dick right now.
Is it inappropriate to be Drs. Willy Fister and Jess Hewill as a couples costume for Halloween?
Oh we're gynecologists
Can't tell if waking up covered in easy mac is the sign of an amazing or terrible night
Phone keeps correcting good morning to "food moaning" and I like the way it thinks.
we are eating waffles in the pillow fort. Still think you're too straight for a threesome?
I'll be right over.
and idk now I have nine bags of lettuce in my fridge
She fucked a bartender in a closed Applebee’s and has the nerve to call me easy
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