Sorry, its so late. Remember your fat friend with huge boobs. i need her number..its an emergency
Just realized the hot girl at the office got a boob job over the Holiday.....she is now super-hot girl.
Bring my gorilla suit and my bong.
Oh its going to be that type of weekend?
I fell asleep on the bus and woke up in Italian Las Vegas. Europe was a successful continent for me.
I ran into my boss at the liquor store on our lunch hour we both just stood there awkwardly until i was like your car bar or mine hahaha we both need a cab
At least I got to make out with you a little before you proposed.
I just singed the hair in my nose trying to re-light a joint. now all i can smell is burnt hair. day ruiner
Let's play "Guess What I Just Found In My Vagina?"
Some dude just said my hair smells like his pillows
The whole time you were apparently enduring your pukescapades, I was singing very loudly in the car to Beyonce on my way to get a post-coitus Diet Coke.
I love everything about him! His penis, his hair, his tattoos, his penis, his cat, his penis.
He fed me Girl Scout cookies while I was still tied up...what did I do right?
Learning to live poor pretty well. Cashed in all the coins in my car for nearly 60 bucks and yelled at a Pizza Hut manager, insisting I have a free pizza credit, until he just gave me a pizza.
336: Dude I lost my.phone Wednesday night at a party and just found it, three days later, on the lacrosse field....what the actual fuck.
I woke up in my bed with candy and beer bottles all around me and i dont know where any of it came from. I love valentines day.
Randomize
