i just found out that washing ur bong in the dishwasher works. its been a productive day
I know we had a good night last night because his turtle was half asleep chewing on the used condom.
Apparently my gaydar only works on americans. Frenchie capris has two topless chicks in our kitchen making him breakfast.
Oh, I'm just lighting tennis balls and WD-40 on fire, what are YOUUU doing?!
I shit you not. I was sitting on Brian's balcony...still drunk from the night before, and a hummingbird flew onto the patio, stared me right in the face and flew away. I feel like it was God's way of telling me, "Stop drinking."
I have this theory that your highest awareness of how drunk you are is while you're sitting on a toilet
Not to play devil's advocate, but, considering how our species has evolved so far... I'm kinda rooting for the sun on the whole heat death thing.
I JUST FARTED SO LOUD AND HARD I IMMEDIATELY TASTED IT
I woke up with my converse still on and a plate of pasta next to my face, if that gives you any indication of how my night went
Today, this cop risk his life to save me from a sink hole but all I could do is laugh, I was so stoned
Public service announcement: Just bc it is Margarita Monday does NOT mean your stomach will readily accept that much alcohol. There IS a reason it isn't called Magical Monday. On that note, better luck on Tequila Tuesday.
you fell asleep with her panties on your face. how are you surprised??
Good, but still not as good as the guy I banged in the ball crawl
He's the first boyfriend I wouldn't cheat on. This is a really big deal for me
Gotta go, there’s a chick at my door that wants to give me head
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