just got my goo swallowed for the first time. colors seem so much more vivid now, and more rainbows are outside
Listen, Pinot Grigio got me pregnant. It can get you a boyfriend.
Another weekend, another 3 guys I have to awkwardly avoid while crossing campus...
the table of underagers at this wedding were seated 10ft from the open bar. currently 30 open containers on the table for 5 people. dinner hasn't even been served yet.
She is chewing on staples and spitting them at her cat, I think it's time to leave..
im drinking italian dressing and watching dexter. its 230am. lets never drink on sundays again.
My bruised ribs were so worth that win in beer pong
it wasn't a normal cookie, i figured that out 45 minutes into my exam
Are you still crying. What are you doing. Have 10 shots of tequila.
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
the cops are being surprisingly chill about david hanging from a tree with no pants.
I'm gonna forget you just shared your personal blowjob aesthetic with me and move on
I'm sorry I put my balls through your watch. On another note your roommate had them on his shoulder too sry
i can't believe i helped you shave your back last night, and she still didn't sleep with you.
I drunkenly said, "That's my future father-in-law!" And everyone made an uncomfortable / disgusted face... including the aforementioined future father-in-law. Maybe I should start dating other people.
Randomize
