I got a black eye last night. This guy said for every 35 pounds you lose you gain an inch to your dick. I asked him how long he has been peeing sitting down.
High enough to fry lime slices.....tasted like shit, by the way
I poured myself a glass of chocolate chips at some point during the evening.
Mega depressed bro. Had the greatest sex with the hottest girl I've ever seen and in the AM she gave me that look I've given dozens of times. I'm her drunken fat chick fuck
there is a video of me from last night trying to light my breath on fire. that drunk.
He made me keep his swollen nut cold with frozen bags of peas while rubbing his tummy because he said I had no choice.
Pretty sure my body is in shock, I shouldn't feel this ok after last nite.
Hostess is going out of business we'll never survive the apocalypse
do you want to shower with me?
only if we can drink the jungle juice while we shower
bought even stevens on dvd and enough weed and pizza bagels to last us a week.. ready to get snowed in?
I CLEANED MY BATHROOM FOR YOU!! betrayal
Here's a tip: do NOT chant "MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS." during sex because the Packers won against the Giants.
FYI telling a guy that you're glad his dick isn't big after giving him a bj, is NOT a compliment.
Drunk sex on a hardwood floor is never ever a good idea. Lesson learned.
I'm so high I have morphed into the monopoly man. Or maybe the Pringles guy. I don't know but I have a mustach now
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