we have to go try and show our tits so we can get ID-free drinks at applebees
my mom just informed me that i masturbate loudly
There is an asian family here, I heard the mom call her son onyong
the EMT asked how you broke your nose and you said, "you know, the usual wear and tear."
All we did was argue about ponys and drug dealers
I've come to accept that no matter where I step in our apartment, your underwear will be there.
Spilled red wine all over my bed. This has to be the fiftieth time ive refused to fall asleep without a drink in my hand
I mean like, my liver will beg my brain for mercy. Brainll be like I'm Greg Jennings. Liverll be like I'm Darren Sharper. Brainll be like hold my diiiiick.
This girl ordered Hershey syrup and red wine and he made it for her
My tuesday consisted of speaking to a federal agent for two hours and watching a roving band of gypsies jump over a fire until 2:30am
I'm at a new rock bottom. Malibu on ice at work because it's the only thing they've got and no mixers.
Sext: Bring me pancakes from the midnight breakfast gathering please
The secret to finals week is to have an orgasm for every point you need on the test before you take it.
I don't know what kind of bucket list you have, but having sex with a tree isn't on mine...
I see more hoeing in ur future
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