Who did Billy Mays play for?
i hope kanye doesn't show up to patrick swayze's funeral. " i'll let you get back to your funeral in a minute...but michael jackson had the best death of the year. just sayinnn ".
I'm going to community service drunk, and I'm still going to be the most normal person there.
And then he said "my dick isn't hard enough and your tits aren't big enough for this to work"
im covered in puffy paint and glitter i cant find kevin and im wearing shoes that dont belong to me....come get me please
Housing is going to charge us for any broken dishes/glassware. Steal as many glasses as you can from the bars tonight. I got the baking dish and 3 plates covered.
Im so excited to get permanently banned for life from all the old bars again, it is gonna be christmas after all
I walked in on him successfully eating chips and masturbating at the same time. I don't know whether I should be ashamed or proud.
The only way that night could have gotten any better would be if a unicorn would descend from the heavens with a nacho bell grande in a bag around its horn beat boxing Hakunah Matata.
We were in the middle of a serious discussion about social justice and he pulled sequins out of his teeth and kept talking like nothing had happened.
Also, I have your check. Also, still wanna drop acid?
Pissing into the Grand Canyon is the single most liberating thing I've ever done in my entire life
I'm definitely single now but she stole my mailbox
Gonna try and have sex in the empire state bldg, will tell you how it goes
Think I was still drunk when I woke up cause I went and bought a mandolin
Randomize
