The guy dancing on me has three visible teeth. WHERE ARE YOU?
you said the mailboxes were turning into babies and they started crawling away. then you cried and asked me how you were gonna get your college acceptance letters
So someone hacked my email and facebook and posted a boob pic I took a few years ago as my profile picture. I feel like an MTV commercial.
The tent neighbors already set us on fire w an errant roach. How do you think Bonnaroo's going?!
You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
You missed a lot. I drank contact solution thinking it was water, vodka thinking it was water and some unidentified substance that reminded me of pine sol thinking it was water..
Just think of all the blizzard sex people are having right now
There are a bunch of guys at the door looking for the guy you brought back to the condo...pretended not to speak English. You're welcome.
Believe it or not, Travis and I simultaneously breaking beer bottles over eachothers heads was not a good idea.
Apparently I yelled "no stop it" in my sleep last night when he tried to cuddle with me.
Oops, guess its official. I just use him for sex.
when your 30 and im 37 and we're lonely and single, lets make a pact to murder each other.
Question: If I got in a car accident and lost my memory of us, would you work your way back just so we could be fuck buddies again?
I'm watching The Vow and just need to know that I'm loved in some way
Life's too short to be sucking dicks in cars for the rest of my life.
Is it weird that i want a guy to ask me to homecoming by spelling it out in meatballs?
THATS VERY WEIRD
How fast can you get here?\nI need to ride your cock into the sunset.
Randomize
