If I say "It's good enough" and I'm not talking about a sandwhich, that's your queue to stop me, you're supposed to be my friend.
I'm drunk enough to talk Barbara Walters outta her panties
Talking her gay man friend into dancing with me officially makes me the world's best wingman. ever.
I'm drinking carlo rossi straight from the jug. I don't have any clean cups...how am I still at this point in my life...
Sorry for eating those cheese fries out of your hands last night
if you need to find her look her up on www.imastupidslut.org
.org?
yeah. they're non profit. helps them sleep at night.
Didn't know what to wear so I ripped off my bed sheets and tied myself a toga. "a little hungover" is no way to describe me right now.
Her virginity is one of the last things that remains of our childhood.
Yes, he did use his cock to direct traffic from my 3rd story window. That's why I love him
I picked a bad day to wear the catch me fuck me shoes.
Did someone catch you and fuck you?
And I threw up 26 times yesterday. I actually think I threw up a spider too.
Stay calm. It's a titty bar. A ring of cocaine will protect you.
I can't believe I got dumped for a fat chick, but at least I got four and a half years worth of free shit. So we can call it even.
Tacos and sex are way better than any anti depressant pill ever was. I think I made a medical discovery here.
Do you realize our room single-handedly hooked up with most of that wedding party last night?
Randomize
