its good for cellulite if you don't wear underwear. its true
So... how did lowering your standards work out last night?
Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
I just had a librarian tell me that "wikipedia is like sex"
When he expanded on the analogy it actually made sense. "you're going to do it either way, so I'm just going to tell you how to do it safely."
I love having a boyfriend. I just ate pancakes with regular syrup and chocolate syrup, I havent shaved my legs in a week, and Im still going to get laid tonight.
fuck. you.
I'm single as of 11 minutes ago. I was the chick who drunkenly tried to climb into bed with you 2 weeks ago. Wanna make this happen?
He will not just "come" out of the closet. He will fall out, 69ing me, with two fingers in his starving asshole, wearing cum splattered lady gaga sunglasses, weeping.
That was the greatest thing i have ever read.
I guess our biggest consolation is that we haven't woken up in a hottub with a dead dude. Yet.
Itll be like a collage of penis. And not that abstract, one penis in a big painting contemporary shit. Collage....
I woke up to see that I had ripped my boxers into a loin cloth because we were watching last of the mohicans
Bar selfie Saturday turned into bar nudie Saturday in a hurry. I need to delete my snapchat...
A duck just looked me in the eye whilst I peed in a lake. I feel so dirty.
I blew past the Governor's motorcade going twice the speed limit and DIDN'T get a ticket. God wants me to get laid.
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when I get back.
She's got a shotglass necklace, running down the street asking people to "fill her up". Get here.
Randomize
