this girl ate taco bell on my bed naked last night, it was the sexiest thing ive ever seen
you need to know that there is a kid here wearing an i mosh for Jesus shirt
i have a $600 bill for my ER visit in which they did nothing but suggest to me that i am an alcoholic.
What do you mean you don't pregame your bikini waxes?
oh god was she eating orange peels again
Holy shit, you lost your virginity on 11/11/11. Now every time someone fucks you, they can make a wish. Your vagina has officially been transformed into a wishing well.
I need to stop drinking and eating and start working out. I look like the lovechild of John Goodman and Jabba the Hutt.
After he finished he proceeded to check my boobs for breast cancer.
Taking my underwear off at work was one of my better decisions this weekend
Highlight of the weekend: getting roundhouse kicked in the dick while switching from reverse cowgirl.
That all sounds beautiful. All I have to offer is my shining personality, extensive amounts of space knowledge, and I hear I am pretty not sucky at sucking dick
I know it's just really hard to give up sex and cigs during a blizzard
I DONT KNOW HOW I'M NOT DEAD, JESUS CHRIST ON A DOUBLE DECKER FUCKING KEANU REEVES BUS
I've never been so excited to be bleeding from my vagina.
My dad just informed me that I may be entitled to $1700 worth of stimulus money... looks like that hitachi is coming sooner than later. Let's hope for the best!
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