My toast was "here's to being positive, and testing negative... Cheers!"... after that chick gagged on her shot, everyone knew.... slut.
I'm convinced her vagina is similar to chernobyl, but I want to visit it for the novelty value anyway.
Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
Could you explain why there is an Australian passport in your toilet?
So they discontinued the hummer... Now people will have to go door to door to let others know they're assholes
The guy I fucked last night is well worth up the ass tuition. I just wish I could tell dad thanks!
He gave me an elaborately handwritten invite (on a bar coaster) back to his place and whispered in my ear 'i have ping pong'. And he said byob. fuck THAT.
I slept with someone shorter than me. My vagina weeps.
You fool.
I tried to roll down the stairs in a ball. I have bruises, the pain is too much.
What the fuck, why would you ever do that?
Haven't you ever just wanted to be a ball?
IT IS CHRISTMAS EVE AND I AM SUPPOSED TO BE HAVING SEX WITH AN ATTRACTIVE BLACK MAN IN THE NEXT FEW DAYS AND I JUST GOT MY PERIOD. WHEN PEOPLE ASK ME WHY I DON'T BELIEVE IN GOD I WILL TELL THEM OF THIS DAY.
Just accidentally flashed my junk to the lady helping me try on suits, it was cold in there, I don't think she was impressed.
Well I mean he still had sex with me after I told him that I play fetch with the kids I take care of, so I'm not really looking too far ahead with him...
When he was leaving this morning he said I'll text you later on and I replied with if you don't that's cool too.
I paid for lunch, then he made a bunch of holes in my wall and destroyed my bathroom.
yea, she was legit pissed that her rasberry vodka ice cubes never actually froze. but we couldnt convince her otherwise.
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