I'm going to rape someone's good day.
I picked my nose. Flicked it. I heard it hit something. Next thing I know, it's floating around in my wine glass.
then she made me sanitize my hands before fingering her...i may have found my soulmate
Better skin, bigger boobs.. Birth control is INCREASING my chance of getting pregnant because people actually want to have sex with me now.
I faked it too. I just spit on your bed.
When I start puking tomorrow, just let me be. it'll start around 8:35. just let me heave. i love this part of my morning.
Just saw the stripper pole on the road that we threw out of the party bus last night
Best part: she drunkenly told me I'm dangerous then slurred to my parents that I should watch out in case I fall in love with her. Then she mounted a pinata
Trimming my pubes at 1 AM, drunk, listening to Stevie Ray Vaughn. What has become of me.
Jesus christ stop updating me about every aspect of your life.
im on the hungover til tuesday pabst blue ribbon diet
I've been smoking weed using candles all week and I just found a lighter. This may truly be the happiest moment of my life. It's embarrassing how excited I got
Bored at work. googling vodka waffles.
All I know is I woke up with his business card in my bra and in my handwriting on the back it says 8 inch.
So do you remember the bartender that caught me when I fell off the bar 4 weeks ago? He hasn't been to work since...Woops.
I tried to have a quickie with him at the company happy hour. I think I need to quit my job.
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