If I don't wake up snuggled up to 14 ice cream sandwiches, my life is incomplete.
I've only been here for an hour and I've already made 6 babies cry.
Happy Birthday
I just tried to sell my homemade "lightning bolt stencil for pubes" on Etsy.
Tonight will be judged a success if I walk out without having thrown up on my shirt.
Since i didn't have a condom I told him to use jump ship method, I think I was overly invested in my sailor costume this year.
He was all like, "I've prayed every single day just for one more night with you."
Omg just give him a quick handy and walk out.
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
I'd say things got weird when I started doing lines of molly in the box.
The family next to you was not pleased
When you're really drunk, Japanese toilets just have an unnecessary amount of buttons.
Also, there's definitely not a non-hilarious way to ask to stick something up your butt.
and that's when you shouted "ahh motherland" as you streaked down hall 4B
I had a dream involving the worlds smallest pony, an asphalt volcano, and jimi hendrix. Never smoking 3 bowls before bed again
You came in, yelled 'i am from the future' then puked all over the floor
Maybe those shots of hot dog water wasn’t a good idea after killing a fifth of tequila.. but who’s askin
Why the fuck is Ian Naked eating string cheese in my guest bedroom?
Randomize
