My life is like a Sweet Valley High book but with lots of alcohol.
Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
i saw her thong sticking out from across the bar...that was my cue
You put a nerf gun to his head and demanded him to take you to taco bell..
Just watched a UNI fan at the bar lick the tears off of a KU fans face.. See what march madness does to people
On the airplane today the pilot actually said "Ladies and gentlemen I'm sorry for the delay. But I know all of you have problems, and so do we..."
Hey bro, did you ever hear from the background investigator that i was supposed to bang?
I woke up and blew hamburger out my nose. That kinda night.
He pulled out, and the resulting cumstain on my sheets is in the shape of a fetus. The irony of this is both awesome and terrifying.
The packers need to win more often, Andrew keeps drunk calling me and confessing his undying love for me in between puking and taking more shots.
as i sobered up i realized that her cute accent was actually a speech impediment
I'm pretty stoned, and for a second I forgot that I'm not actually Barbie and I was getting excited about all the fun we were going to have on my jet.
No one wants to start their day off with bloody lemons and a tampon in the toilet. Wtf.
he was almost the father of your baby, you should let him take you to dinner
My mom found me this morning passed out, face down on my dinning room floor
That must have been one awkward situation haha
Well I woke up in my bed.... I don't remember her finding me
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