We are like the golden girls with less cheesecake and more drugs.
So.. My internet got red-flagged at work because i did a search on "midigit strippers las vegas" This may be hard to explain...
Mac n' cheese is coming out of my nose. You can't make that feel better
Well technically because of daylight savings, I only lasted 15 mintues.
That girl gave me her number because you were arrested. I am so proud of you dude.
We have zombies coming, and all you can think about is cock.
I have so much boob sweat I could bathe a baby
Apparently I got mad at you for "Not drinking with me till we thought we were seahorses" and smashed my face on your door. Then I put my feet in the oven and started crying because I was drinking alcohol from a pot. My life is spinning out of control.
I feel like when purchasing hard liquor on a Monday I also need to buy a happy 21st bday card to not seem so pathetic
All you kept saying was, " Barack fucking Obama. FUCK Michelle" and then you motorboated me.
What's the procedure for answering a booty call from someone under house arrest?
He handcuffed himself to the keg... D is hooking up with him anyway.
I guess I look like the kind of girl who would buy edible, weed-infused lube.
I think I must have activated my bat signal.... All three of my FWBs contacted me today!
Wait... where the hell did you even find a live OCTOPUS, let alone green eggs and ham?
Randomize
