you went to subway and got pissed when they refused to deep fry your sub
burritoes are like sleeping bags for ground beef
i think i can safely say that is the weirdest thing you've ever propositioned me with. so obviously my answer is yes.
He made off the wall shots in beer pong, stuck the girls dog in a cooler, and played with swords with her mom. I wish I got his name
You kept running up to random groups of people and saying "I'm a Dallas Cowboy Cheerleader so we all have to chug our drinks!" and they all listened to you.
There is nothing more demoralizing than exchanging 150 dollar Christmas gifts with a girl your not sleeping with
I created a photogrid for every picture he has ever sent me of his penis. Now I can see every angle at one time. THIS IS GREAT.
I found your Halloween costume. I think you shit yourself last night
I found my weird threshold when Truth or Dare became everyone get naked and snort Adderall off the kitchen counter.
How is it possible that I'm still a virgin and you've managed to have sex in a cheetah print onesie TWICE
I went with plan f. get drunk and start a fire in my yard
She broke up with me. I guess I was in the most chaste lesbian relationship in the history of the world and had no idea.
I mostly blame me being such a miserable fuck on the fact that I was born on a Monday.
Paycheck hits in 37 minutes and I literally just emptied my handle of Tito's. If that isn't budgeting like a fucking adult, I don't know what is.
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
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