I called him Han Solo during sex, he looked at me like he was mortified then I realized he came.
When I told her that her boyfriend was making out with another chick, all she said was "which one"
I think rendering her infertile would be a valid community service project
We tried to line dance with everyone but it turned into drunken stumbling and attempting to grind on random frat boys. I feel that this might turn into an every Thursday thing.
Warning: at some point today you will probably see several pics of me 69-ing a blow up turtle show up on facebook. Just disregard them.
Apologies for hacking your facebook and posting that picture of you passed out hooked up to the IV...but we were sat with you on the ER floor for 3 hours, it got boring
Since when do you have sex with people you have feelings for?
Dude you don't understand. I genuinely felt his soul's penis in my soul's vagina.
Can we talk about the fact that I plucked weed off your ass this morning like it's a normal thing to do?
I can't live in this building much longer. People are starting to figure out that it's me making the weird sex noises.
Kings cup with teenagers tonight
Done deal
As long as you don't want to make a shrine out of my eyelashes It's all good
Just wore the promise ring dad gave me freshman year of high school as a fake wedding band while I bought a pregnancy test. I think it's safe to say that's not what he had in mind with that gift 14 years ago.
I sent him a topless photo and he complimented my eyes. I'm not sure if I'm offended or pleasantly surprised.
Stop making fun of my hookups!
Stop getting hookups that I can make fun of!
Dick pics just aren’t doing it for me, this bowl of Mac n cheese and Game of Thrones trump you tenfold
Randomize
