He gave his mom his old phone, and I am SO paranoid
Did you send adult things?
Um. Yes would be the understatement of the year
she just made me lysol my hands in order to touch her tits.
I'm currently trying to figure out how I woke up naked and handcuffed to my bed. Not real worried about class right now.
just got double teamed by two guys I will be on beach patrol with this summer. six months until the season starts and I'm already 'that girl.'
My body is being held together with whiskey, nicotine, duct tape and a little bit of hope...
I tried to get you a girl. They want us to cook breakfast though
Lolll I'll be sleeping
I'm practically buying you a 1 way ticket to pound town.
I'm going to tattoo a maze on my back for the next fucker that tries to blow early ....
Well, it's hard to say. Last night he puked a perfect circle around him on the floor, and then sat in it insisting it would protect him from the smoke monster. He's was still there last time I checked.
Btw before you ask, the dr said there's no way shoving his dick that far down my throat is why i got laryngitis
Why was there a 1000 piece puzzle covered in hot sauce being cooked in the microwave?
Drinking ketchup directly out of the bottle does not make it tomato juice.
He picked up a chick with a line about the price of used cars in Sri Lanka and developing economies. Step it up.
We need to stop going on dates to the strip club.
I really don't want to get drunk alone tonight. Like, I'll do it, but I won't enjoy it.
I’m sorry, some of us common-folk don’t have access to steady dick
Randomize
