Sorry, I don't speak sober.
theres bread in your mailbox im going to eat it
nevermind its newpaper
i don't have fun when you have fun. i have embarrassment, fear, and significantly less cash in my wallet.
what made it akward was his girlfriends dog watching us have sex
it would be cheaper just to buy a dildo to intimidate people with.
About to go out with the girl of my dreams tonight. I am looking at one of her hottest fb pics, to practice not looking at her huge tits.
"It's not a date, we're just spending the entire day at a concert and then getting high together." Awesome.
You have found the Promised Land of friend zones
So last night I kicked a beer can off of a frat guys head and it nailed one of my sisters in the face. Think i'll be brought up on standards?
Cheez-its and a bottle of cab...for under $10 you could win this girls heart
I mean, as I was vomiting in front of a giant crucifix I became acutely aware of my poor choices
the dude in the apartments across the street got a video of me railing blake on your front steps last night
shit like this is why i dont let you drink vodka anymore ..
he has the ass of a greek god and he made me breakfast
Adulthood is making your own puke bucket.
He said "send me a motivational picture" so I sent one with mayo on my face that said "clearly I'm no stranger to white stuff on my face"...I'm the fuckingng worst
We woke up today with 24 donuts, a tie, two jugs of vodka that we traded an extra sandwich for, and a british boy
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