hey babe thanks for tonight, it was fun.
to be honest, i wanna fuck your friend.
I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
Well that's not true. She had two social skills. She kept them in her bra
what was i supposed to do!? wake up and actually ask her name??
his internet history is a lot of porn, how to make a hovercraft and side-effects of jacking off too much
I mean I'm forever immortalized as the one who puked in his dad's straw hat.
When I realized it was a dog, and I still had a boner, it was awkward.
Dude I reek of $2.50 pitchers, $1 off/pack marlboro cigs, and fear.
Fear?
FEAR.
We hit a deer while we were singing an acapella version of "I will always love you"
"I'm looking more at his dick bulge." Never thought I'd hear those words come out of my boyfriend's mouth.
Gonna be hard to top last New Year's Eve when the guy I blew came at midnight
Thanks for your faith in my ability to stay sober while writing final essays. It's...unearned.
Ah, but I don't wear underwear. Every day is Commando Wednesday.
WHY HAVE SO MANY THING GONE IN MY BUTT ON THIS TRIP
Dude, fuck these noisy kids, fuck all this light, and fuck you for getting to sleep while I have to be productive and hungover.
Randomize
