They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
I told him he can't put it there till we're exclusive. That's totally The Relationship Hole.
He played with my vagina like it was a turntable
we got so high we spray painted his girlfriend's UGG boots. she's CRYING. it's hysterical.
If you don't remember anything tomorrow, this is to remind you that you asked me in secret to build a bobsled with you and re-enact Cool Runnings.
I'm trying to ve beat feiesnd sent.
Of all the things that can be stripped of me i'll be damned if it's my vanity
I need to start using my boobs for good instead of weed. Although really they're kind of the same thing
I've talked to too many cops in one week and I haven't even committed any crimes. I hate the suburbs
Also my bed has glitter in it for reasons I do not recall
The impromptu 'dance party' was just three white dudes flailing arrhythmically in the kitchen in absolute silence. Stone cold sober.
So my balls are accidently making an appearance on snapchat
I'm eating Arby's in the bathtub because I'm an adult and I do what I want
I will not go because I am a man of my word and of my penis.
Randomize
