your drunk exhusband is tryin to get with my drunk exgirlfriend. i think its funny. if you still talk to him dont say anything.
we're not divorced.
Hey babe, chan wants you to stop texting her about the size of TJ's dick. please.
we'll hang out once this whole, "your friends are robbers and drug addicts" thing blows over with my parents.
Just printed out my Plan B coupon at the library. Saving my own printer ink and paper as well as 10 dollars towards not being knocked up.
I should have kept drinking, a coma can't be as bad as this hangover
Last night, I accomplished the impossible. I pissed while riding my bicycle home without pissing all over myself. My Dutch friends gave me a round of applause and said I was now the king of holland.
Totally. Bang on. He'll be fine. He might cry into your perfect tits once in a while, but that's the price ya pay.
I can't ever date him again. Whenever I see his face I just remember helplessly pissing myself in my car.
So here's my pathetic thought of the day: what does it smell like to be sober?
got a blowjob in the bar bathroom, got arrested for public intoxication, and found a big bag of weed on the ground on my walk home from the station. my friday night could have been a movie
I hooked up with a guy that had a beard last night felt like I was building a fucken log cabin
I tried getting kicked out of my favorite bar. No matter what I did, I could do no wrong
I put his pb&j sandwich in my bra and never looked back
Also, there's definitely not a non-hilarious way to ask to stick something up your butt.
dude, i told you to rally, so you sprinted upstairs, knocked some girl down, and without missing a beat said, "not now bitch, im in the fucking zone" and took off
Randomize
