Did you know that cab drivers don't take quarters for payment? They don't even like it when you ask.
I kind of had a moment like that kid whose mom cancelled his WoW subscription, except I didn't try to shove a remote control up my own ass.
she wrote "SORRY" in her vomit and left
i guess i finally out drove tiger woods this morning..
These 23 People Had The Most Insane Spring Breaks Ever
mowing the lawn. still drunk. If my dad doesn't appreciate this I swear I'm dissowning everyone including him
I just got a high school volleyball teams practice cancelled because I slept with the head coach through their practice time.
Um he just came into the kitchen naked to get her purse or something?
It was one of those "I have no idea if this will ever happen again so I can't say no" opprotunities. Part of me was like, "You slut" and the bigger part was screaming, "Hell yeah"
You're my spirit guide. This has to do with oatmeal cream pies.
25 Women On How They Let Their Oblivious Partners Know They Want To Bone
WHY IS EVERY MAN IN THIS CITY GAY? IS IT SO BAD TO WANT TO BE TREATED LIKE A PIECE OF SHIT BY A REALLY HOT STRAIGHT MAN FOR A NIGHT?
Hey just wanted to let you know my nose is broken and I have a fractured wrist. I told you it wasn't a slip and slide.
Dude I didn't think you'd do it. I mean come on, who puts a slip and slide on their driveway?
Just FYI, I'm breaking up with my boyfriend tonight and you need to be on call to be my first rebound bang
Had to go see my sisters new baby this morn in the clothes I wore to the rave last night. Still drunk. Almost dropped it. I'll be a good aunt right?
Omg. I wanna lecture the drug dealer about how highschool should not be his glory days.
Woke up this morning with a darth vader helmet and a bath robe on with my toenails shitly painted