just went to get groceries. a cashier said she saw me last night. i guess i carried a broom back from the party and swept the street the whole walk back...and i claimed to be in the cast of wicked
I will show your tits more attention than Michael Jackson's death.
Straightened my pubes. My dick looks like John Lennon fucked Gonzo.
the level of his annoyance + every insult he makes = the closer I am to telling him im fucking his ex
These 25 People Had Very Inappropriate Sexual Relations(hips)
He just said "Chunky" very loudly in his sleep.
It's not called being bisexual its called making out with anyone that has a mouth
of course he's cheating on me, she's 100x prettier and she can do the splits
I dont think yelling "Grab your dicks, time for pics!" helped your case either.
Yeah I'm a responsible adult man but I legally unbind myself from anything that occurred that evening and am in no way responsible for those actions.
These 31 People Are Lazier Than You Could Ever Imagine
I blacked out after you got about 8 goldfish out of the tank and put them in your pockets. We're not allowed back. It was a sucky Walmart anyway...
My new successful method of booty calling is sending a screencap of a map with the shortest route from their location to mine highlighted.
I have to have sex on a bidet. I'm not sure what kind, but it's reason #4 for an Italian vacation!
And that was the night we had mind-blowing sex with the score from Raiders of the Lost Ark blaring on vinyl in the background...
There's a burrito next to my bed. Did you buy it for me or is the Chipotle fairy real? And why am I naked?
it'll be like a game of Russian Roulette, but with my vagina.