I fell off the front porch last night. Actually.. I dove. I dove off the front porch.
Im interpreting your silence as a silent plea for me to come wake you up. See you soon.
So somehow I got from NYC to a suburban town in the middle of Jersey. At 4am. Thank god there are trains that can rectify my mistakes...
and you think what you did last night was bad? at least you didnt go wake up a sleeping guy for birthday sex.
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I dont feel as bad coming home this baked because I gave my 14 year old sister a no drugs talk last night.
that bitch in the red sedan is still teasing me with the ice cream cone. i'm going to show her my dick
mary just dropped the yahtzee dice in her wine. and shes throwin em like shes on a craps table.
hahahaha slap the bag.
$150 bar tab covered by these tits. That's now the going rate. Keeping my bra on during sex unless i see the Benjamins.
We're having chugging races with long island ice tea, I won. To often
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We told her to calm down. She said "I'm Buddha!". Then army crawled to the cooler for more vodka.
It's after midnight. I didn't find the answer to my problem, but I did find the bottom of a bottle of vodka, so... there's that.
I just tried to pay for a coffee with a dollar and a necco wafer.
I'm getting a car wash man. I am go get a car wash high.
I know you just got dumped by your gf but believe there is still good in the world. I just smoked a joint and took a fucking unbelievable poop. Give me a call tomorrow.
He kept referring to my giving him head as a new level in our relationship and acting sentimental
You gave him a bj, not a kidney