if only i could text you this smell
you poured 3 beers into an empty vase and then passed out, so i drank them for you. don't say i'm not a good friend.
He showed me a four inch blond hair that grows out of his side. He calls it his little ray of sunshine. Please come get me.
well when mom kept referring to my "black hole of a vagina" and how i devoured all the nuts at the party like i was a pro, i figured my stay was up.
There r osticjed everywhere
If there is a ladylike way to throw up in your favorite toilet, I just did it.
He went out to smoke and when he came back I was still in the same spot naked and unable to breathe.
All I could say was, "ladies and gentlemen, THIS is why I drive 30 mins"
She tried to subtly measure me, but I noticed. She told me I barely made the cut otherwise there would have been just a handshake as a parting gift.
Well that's what you get for messing around with her vagina. I told you it was a fickle and insatiable creature.
You know you're high when, "Why can't I steal the duck?!" Becomes a serious question.
I wish there was an emoji for sad lady boners
He's bringing a lesbian pretending to be his girlfriend to family Christmas. I can not wait to see how this goes.
Accidentally made a straight guy question his sexuality again. I really gotta watch myself.
I forgot what I was gonna say, but I'm pretty excited to not be pregnant.
Fuuuuuck dude, he’s got #Excel in his Facebook bio; I’m screaming
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