My astrological sign? Vagitarius.
You're a big dope. Life is about fighting for what you want, not accepting what you hate.
Why does tequilla always make you text me?
I just saw a like a 30 person deep walk of shame... it was like the million man march but with dorm chicks
idk how it happened. she made a very smooth transition from crying to blowing me
I don't know what the fuck is in the water in New Hampshire, but these dicks are HUGE.
what's the name of that soccar player i bit again?
I got a phone call from security asking me to do my laundry wearing more than a blanket next time.
I just remembered that I did shots out of a gay mans crotch. And there's someone saved in my phone as "Miranda knows where my car is"
I have officially tracked lube all over our house on the bottom of my socks without knowing it. Don't slip when you come in
Just got a nosebleed, my period and the runs all at the same time. I'm either dying, or this is the first sign of the apocalypse. You warning you in case it's the latter.
How do you tell someone who's buying a pregnancy test to have a nice day .... Like how
The date officially concluded on the phrase "Nosh dat vag".
I'm discussing Magic Mike with my mom and totally get why she thinks I'm gay.
Just did body shot off a midget. Pretty good start.
Why did I wake up with a skeleton in my bed? Is it from the lab?
Oh crap, that's where it ended up. Yeah, don't ask.
Randomize
