Dude you just tried to have a one night stand with my ex girlfriend while we were trying to put you to bed upstairs.
but that still doesn't explain how i woke up on the couch down stairs.
adderall just fell out of my nose in class. guy next to me just nodded.
Oh my god. I think I just sexted my mom...
What?!
Fwd: Ride me, you sleek sleek woman!!!
i've been thru my totinos phase. then after reading the ingredients and nutritional info i almost puked in my mouth. its like having the bastard child of pizza hut and mcdonalds invade your kitchen and start stabbing your digestive system.
Ever had blood in your semen? I am guessing that's a problem.
I'm texting you from across the beer pong table to tell you that the drunk chick you brought over needs to disappear. like now.
It's an "im going to have to shit with the lights off" type of morning
Drunk in burger king. Having it our way. Free fries. M&m sundaes.
The number of people who end up getting laid as a result of the cha cha slide....is terrible.
Get you some cowboy.
In that sentence you are the cowboy. That is not saying you should get a cowboy for yourself.
At one point I yelled "THIS IS MY PENANCE FOR EVERYTHING I'VE DONE WRONG" and started saying Hail Marys
I'm trying to secure Christmas dick. Idgaf if he has strep or not.
Hi. I have frying pans taped to my feet. I achave to go the hospital, theyre on pretty tight. Can't feel legs bring me juice
He's the douchy one who wouldn't let me rip his shirt off, right?
Can we throw a "death to my 20s" party when I turn 30?
Sure. Funeral attire and hard liquor
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